A Small Turning Point

Folks, I’m not going to lie: I went into this week in kind of a low place. I weighed myself last Wednesday (big mistake; last year was stressful), I’ve not been doing a great job of writing each day, and I’m not seeing to my domestic responsibilities (housework, not hygiene). These are all things that I should be able to be on top of—I have been in the past, so why not now?

It hit me yesterday: I’m still recovering my momentum. Moving houses is a big, stressful thing, so it shouldn’t surprise me that it took a while to get back into my swing of things. The thing is, I thought I’d be back into my routine by now. What clicked for me yesterday was the fact that I worked extra at the restaurant for three consecutive weeks, and last week was the first one back to normal. Somehow, at the beginning of the week, I knew that last week was best spent recovering, but by its end, I was kicking myself for not making it a full and proper week of work.

This is folly. It’s foolish to expect myself to bounce back immediately, when all previous evidence says it takes time and self care (not self loathing). I shared a Facebook post of a tweet which read “Diamonds are formed under pressure. And bread dough rises when you let it rest. We’re all our own things. What’s motivating to you might be crippling to others.” (@Linaowinmo), and it’s been rattling around my head ever since.

In many ways, we’re conditioned to keep our noses to the grindstone, and to believe that rest is a waste of time or inactivity is unproductive. In many ways, I do that to myself; in many ways it comes from having chosen a trade which is driven solely by my own efforts. When I miss a week’s post or fail to push my stories forward, there’s nothing going on in the background which is also moving me forward, no other employees chasing leads or making sales. Therefore I feel every moment spent on things other than progress, and they build themselves up into something unnerving.

Thus, I went into this week in a low place, but after it clicked that I’m still recovering, and I acknowledged the value in pacing myself, and I got back on top of my physical exercise, I’m doing much better. I don’t have any Patron-exclusive content this week, in keeping with that spirit of pacing, but I do now have an actual vision for the short story I’m currently working on, so progress will pick up on that forthwith.

My Twitch.tv endeavors are progressing nicely; Dark Souls is always daunting, particularly while people are watching, but with the acquisition of the ability to fast travel has opened that game up quite nicely, and my little community on Twitch is growing steadily—though again that’s something that only progresses when I push it forward. “So we beat on, boats against the current…”

(F. Scott Fitzgerald)


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